A Chance For Redemption

From the moment I saw the beast a strange familiarity washed over me.
I knew, in that moment, that the unnatural beast that we were facing was a reflection of my wickedness.
It was a great black panther, as large and as great as the weight of my heart.

Here was a sign.

I knew what I must do.

I must face the beast, alone if need be, and defeat it without fear in my heart.
I expected that I might show the beast that I was unafraid and, Allah willing, it would shrink away.
Failing that, I knew that I would fight it. If I defeated it, then I was forgiven.

This was so clear to me.

When I moved towards the creature, alone and unaided by my friends, I was assured that this was something that I must face and deal with alone.

The beast was too fast, too strong. It pinned me with a single paw. I moved to free myself and it stuck out its claws in warning.

Its message to me seemed simple: be a slave to this wickedness, for you cannot defeat it.

I have been accounted among the most formidable opponents on the planet. My skill with martial arts, melee, stealth, and athletics has been acclaimed among the greatest of all living men.

And yet, it was stronger than I was. I knew that I could not defeat this beast.

And so the temptation for fear spoke to me. "Give in to your wickedness or die."
I chose to be unswayed by my fear. If I were to die facing an unbeatable manifestation of my sins or suffer under its yoke for a life time by running, then I chose to die.

I let the beast know that I was not so easily cowed. I pushed a dagger between the pads of its paw, into the sensitive areas. The cat withdrew quickly, and I regained my feat.

As I moved forward again to face the beast I was suddenly aware that something was wrong.

There were around me other cats.

But it could not be so.

No. I was certain that this was but a trick. My sins would manifest in but one beast.

For a moment my confidence abandoned me. But then I took another step forward.

My friends assured me, warning me that this was a battle I could not win. They told me of the other beasts, and suddenly I was not facing my own sins, but a strange monster with a presence entirely outside of my own.

I retreated, slowly.

I was ashamed.

What had caused me to become so convinced that this battle was about me? Because I faced a great cat? Because the cat was as black as night, and as monstrous as I had been? Because it was as large as life?

I did not know.

Some doubt had changed my perception from my duties to myself.

For weeks I had been useless. I had faced no threat that I could overcome, or even aid against. My pride had been wounded, and its festering had lead me to seek out death by painting some impossible threat with the colors of my own inner turmoil.

And so I add foolish pride to the littany sins I hold accountable against myself. May Allah have mercy upon me.